i need more money. this summer, i was hoping to be able to go take some classes at a school a few hours away. you know, get away for a week, do something productive, make more headway towards a career goal. however, unless i get another part time job, i will not be able to afford it. i could maybe take one class if i don't get another job. it would be better than nothing, but at the same time sort of seems like it wouldn't be worth it. i've gotta do something, though. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not going anywhere. i should be working towards something. i am not happy with the current state of things in my life.

i've accepted, though, that we will probably not be moving anytime soon. i don't make enough, and i know that my boyfriend would like to take some classes, too. we're gonna be stuck in this crappy house for a while, i think. even though it's kind of a sad thought, it does sort of inspire me to really get into decorating the place. i hadn't done that yet because, well, i was hoping we'd just be here for a little while, my work would pick up, then we could move to a slightly nicer house and neighborhood. now that i don't think that's the case, i should start making it more comfortable here. we did buy a dining room table from craigslist, which is a start. we had been eating off of a card table because we didn't have anything else. it's sturdy solid oak and came with 4 matching chairs. the top is kinda ruined and ugly, but i fixed that with a tablecloth. at least it doesn't spill everything on it when you accidentally bump into it.  my next step is to hang some of the pictures i have already framed, then buy some frames for the ones that need them. THEN, i will paint some more things to hang on the wall. i was also thinking about making my own curtains. it can't be that hard, right? basically making big rectangles. those things alone will make this house feel more home-y and probably improve my overall mood when i'm here.

i've decided that i won't be having another recital for my students until the end of the school year-ish. i won't have the time, and i don't think many of them will have the time, either. it takes a load off my back. i still have tons of other things i really need to do. 

my boyfriend and i are doing ok with our relationship.  i worry sometimes because i don't think his parents like me - maybe not even me, but just the fact that we're living together and  not married. his parents are conservative christians and raised him that way.  he changed his mind on a lot of that after going to college, i think. i just don't want him to feel pressured to either end our relationship or propose to me when it's not really what he wants. i hope that his actions are staying true to how he feels. we have been bickering more, though. nothing serious. i think we're just saying what we think more often now, which is not really a bad thing. it's not like we have lasting fights.

on that subject, though, there was one day last month when i was just feeling terrible. really bad for the self-loathing. all day i just felt like crying. and then something, i don't even remember what it was, set me off. i went into the bedroom, shut the door, and just cried and cried. i really hated myself at that moment. disgusting self loathing and pity. after a while, he came in and asked me what was wrong. i really did not want to tell him. this is something that i don't think i've ever really made clear to my boyfriend - that i have a self-loathing issue that eats away at me every day of my life and has ever since i could remember. through my sobbing, i tried to find some quick words to explain how i was feeling, "this is really hard for me to talk about... every day every since i could remember, i've had a feeling of wanting to gouge my eyes out. some days it's bad, some days it isn't..." i don't know if he quite got what i was trying to say. i never used the words 'self-loathing'. but, somehow, my crying upset him and he stormed off out of the bedroom and even walked out the front door, slamming it behind him. this, of course, made me feel even worse. i stayed in there for another hour. then, without saying a word, came out, put on my shoes and hoodie and left. he was back inside by that point. i went for a walk. i felt better afterwards. we haven't talked about the incident since. i do feel like i owe him a better explanation, though.

it's cold in our house. the heater isn't working. hoping the repair guy would make it out today, but a lot of the streets are still bad from the snow storm. we'll see.

i constantly feel like i'm just barely keeping my head above water. financially, mentally, emotionally.

just as holiday craziness ends, the plans for this new wave of craziness begin. my schedule is going to be  a shit storm. and i'm still gonna need to find time to cook, exercise, and practice (and sleep). students will be preparing for solo + small ens festivals in late march/april, while i am preparing to perform in a musical, which will run for 15 shows. i need to plan to throw a recital for my students before the festivals, so that they can get a "practice performance" in before they have to do it in front of their judges. i'll also have to play a service on easter sunday, no doubt. all this time leading up to the shit storm, i can't coast. i've got to practice my music for the musical, which will surely be pretty difficult, and make sure that my students are working as hard as they need to be. can't take days off. must be a supportive teacher. what happens after the musical and state solo + ens festivals are over? youth symphony auditions!! thankfully, these are less difficult to deal with. hopefully that following week, i can have a few days off.

why do i do all this? because i'm a musician. apparently, it's the only profitable skill i can utilize right now. and i need money.

and while all this is going on, my brain keeps on doing its thing - *thoughts of inadequacy, self loathing, insomnia, more self loathing*

i dealt with this same shit storm last year without any huge disasters, somehow. i just need to tell my head to calm down. it will be ok. deep down, i understand that nothing i do is essential to anybody. i'm a music teacher. big whoop. i'm convinced, though, that because i'm a music teacher, people (mostly students' parents) tend to see me as this easy-going person who's able to handle any small request, small schedule change, etc.  when enough people see me this way, it can easily become an unmanageable number of details, amount of work, and time. and it's supposed to be no big deal. i'm just a musician, right?

i guess one of the biggest reasons it can be so stressful is that it isn't something i only do at my place of work. really, everywhere is my place of work. my personal cell phone is my work phone. people are constantly contacting me about scheduling and questions. i do things at home to prepare for lessons. with about 30 private students, i cannot "leave work at work". and guess what? the pay is not that great. i've been looking for a part-time job i can do in the mornings (as lessons take place after school), but it's hard to find a job for the hours i need. and no one seems to want to hire someone who sounds this busy.  don't forget that my paycheck depends on the on-time payments of 30-ish parents, and probably about 1/3 of them do not pay on time each month. maybe they think it's not that important because i look so young (not that long ago, someone thought i was 16) and they think i have someone else taking care of me, for the most part. i don't know. but guess what? i am a full-grown, independent adult. and i have bills to pay. this is not a hobby i do on the side. this is my WORK.

i don't know what else to say now. rant over.

got through last week. just one more and i'll be ok. still have to make everyone's presents and transpose some music for the wedding gig on saturday. won't be having a rehearsal this wednesday like i thought i would be. my gig partner for saturday insisted that i take the night off to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday. i was kinda glad that she said that. even though we probably should practice. we'll still get a chance to piece things together on friday, though. still may get to go to my coworker's show on saturday evening. i should talk to my boyfriend about it. i want him to come with me. i think it will be fun.

the food i made for the company christmas party was good. my empanadas got all eaten up. i like it when people like my food. : )

didn't weigh myself this week. i thought i needed a break from calorie tracking in order to focus on getting all this shit done. i'm still trying to exercise when i have time and eat well, but i was spending too much time doing arithmetic - calculating calorie totals for my homemade recipes, since i don't eat too much pre-packaged food. i'll get back on it next sunday, after all this crap is over.

oh yeah, and i still have to do a major house cleaning so that we can maybe have guests over for his birthday tomorrow evening. murr. i just wanna go to sleep.